By Ugochukwu Ugwuanyi
Churches are often perceived as places where people seek spiritual growth, worship, and fellowship. Increasingly, however, they are also becoming places where many hope to find life partners. While there is nothing inherently wrong with relationships forming within a congregation, they become problematic when they overshadow the very reason people gather in the first place.
Recent comments by broadcaster Morayo Afolabi-Brown have reignited this conversation and raised important questions about the unintended consequences of church-based relationships.
During an interview with Pastor Bolaji Idowu of Harvesters International Christian Centre (HICC), Afolabi-Brown revealed why she left the church despite serving there as a minister. According to her, she had been in a relationship with another minister within the church. After the relationship ended, she found it emotionally impossible to continue serving alongside him.
“What happened was that I was dating a minister in HICC. Both of us were really close and then he broke up with me. Pastor Bolaji was trying to get us to stay. How can two ministers be in ministers’ meeting and we have broken up? I said, ‘Ko le shele.’ Pastor Bolaji begged me not to go, but I left.”
Her confession attracted widespread attention because it highlighted a challenge many churches quietly face but rarely discuss openly.
The issue is not whether Christians should marry fellow believers. Scripture clearly encourages believers to be united in faith. Rather, the question is what happens when romantic relationships become so central to church life that their collapse affects fellowship, ministry, and spiritual commitment.
When Relationships Become the Centre
The New Testament places Christ at the centre of Christian life. Jesus described the greatest commandment as loving God with all one’s heart, soul, and mind. Every other relationship flows from that foundation.
Yet modern church culture sometimes sends a different message.
Many congregations, intentionally or unintentionally, have developed reputations as places where people can find spouses. Singles’ conferences, relationship seminars, matchmaking expectations, and constant conversations about marriage have created an atmosphere where some individuals arrive searching less for Christ than for companionship.
This does not mean such programmes are wrong. Healthy marriages strengthen families and communities. The concern arises when the search for a life partner begins to compete with the pursuit of spiritual growth.
When that happens, disappointment in relationships can easily become disappointment with the church itself.
The Hidden Cost of Church Courtship
Afolabi-Brown’s experience illustrates a reality that many congregations have witnessed.
Relationships that begin inside a church often strengthen participation while they are flourishing. Couples serve together, attend meetings together, and become closely integrated into church life.
The challenge comes when those relationships end.
Unlike workplace relationships, church relationships involve an additional emotional and spiritual layer. Former partners often continue to worship in the same sanctuary, attend the same departmental meetings, interact with the same friendship circles, and answer to the same leaders.
For some, this becomes emotionally overwhelming.
The result is that one person eventually leaves. Sometimes both do.
Ironically, a relationship that may have begun within the church ultimately weakens the church’s ministry by removing committed workers from active service.
This is one reason churches should approach congregational courtship with wisdom rather than romantic idealism.
Ministry Before Romance
Church ministry requires emotional maturity, consistency, and commitment.
When romantic relationships become deeply intertwined with ministry responsibilities, unresolved personal conflicts can easily spill into spiritual service.
This is not unique to churches. Every organisation experiences the challenges of workplace relationships. The difference is that the church exists primarily to make disciples, not merely to facilitate social relationships.
That distinction matters.
If ministry becomes dependent upon the success of a romantic relationship, then ministry itself becomes vulnerable.
This does not suggest that Christians should avoid marrying fellow believers they meet in church. Many healthy marriages have emerged from congregational life and continue to enrich the Body of Christ.
Rather, churches should be careful not to create an environment where finding a spouse gradually becomes one of the institution’s defining attractions.
When people join a church primarily because they believe it offers the best opportunity to meet a future husband or wife, the church risks becoming known more for matchmaking than for discipleship.
Why Pastoral Guidance Still Matters
Many Pentecostal churches encourage members to seek pastoral guidance before entering serious relationships. Critics sometimes view this as unnecessary interference, but it often serves a practical purpose.
Pastors frequently possess a broader understanding of the congregation than individual members do. They may recognise patterns of behaviour, emotional immaturity, or unresolved issues that are not immediately obvious to those entering a relationship.
Such guidance is not intended to control people’s personal lives. At its best, it exists to protect both individuals and the wider church community from avoidable conflict.
Even with these safeguards, however, churches continue to wrestle with challenges arising from dating relationships, breakups, and shifting loyalties.
The issue is therefore not whether pastoral oversight exists. It is whether churches are giving equal attention to preparing members for emotional maturity alongside spiritual growth.
